Facing Grief: Pain and Celebration

As I sat in a funeral  service many years ago, the sister of the deceased said "Grief is never easy and we are never prepared enough to meet it." These words became much truer for me a few years ago; grief is indeed never easy and irrespective of the many fore-warnings we may have had, when the moment comes it unleashes its pain and all emotions are let loose. But I suppose this is the natural way for us to deal and cope with grief for I can only imagine what will happen in the absence of the ability to respond as such. This pandemic has been a season of grief as people we know either succumbed to COVID19 or passed on in their appointed time to the next life. However the pandemic has made the sad event of death doubly painful as most are either not able to pay their last respects or say their goodbye in person.

While we have been hearing about deaths around us it was not too close and so the news came as a shock. My wife's paternal grandfather and the father of a colleague had passed on (unrelated to the pandemic), someone I did not really know to be honest, with knowing implying a certain depth. And yet there is one particular interaction (and in all case the only one at length) that I remember that we had in the veranda of his house one day, during one of those "in a long, long time visits." The conversation began with his description of a place that was worth visiting and from there we moved on to history of our people and the way of life in the old times-our culture, religious beliefs, social customs and controls. When it was time for me to leave, I walked away happy for having had that conversation and wishing for another time to continue. Sadly that was not to be.

The funeral service was short and simple and there was not much to be said or done because there was the need to be mindful of the SOPs that were in place for such an event in such a time as the pandemic. But even in the little that was said, there were much to be thankful for and to think on. There were theses beautiful tributes that caught my attention. One of these being "Many will not know him, but he has done for many" and I thought that is a beautiful statement to summarize a life. The common theme in these tributes attested to him of being a good man marked by integrity and honesty both in words and deeds. From the little that I learned, he was a man of the old order, a rare virtue today, belonging to those who lived by the values and principles that they thought right not only for themselves but for the good of the community; of the rank of those who stood on the work of their hands and the strength in their feet. As I listen to tributes in funerals I have come to look at them as the celebration that happens right in the midst of pain. Every rich tribute spoken or sent is a celebration of the life lived well and each hopefully redeems a little of the pain that is felt. Like fallen flowers on the ground giving off its beauty for one last final moment before withering away, the "end-notes" spoken in reflection in this moment of loss shows the beauty of a life well-lived. Moreover to continue living in the beautiful legacy of those who have passed on is celebrate their lives and honour them. We may not feel their presence, but we sure do continue their influence as we live in the right and the good path that they have shown us. I might as well say, they continue to live through us as we now carry on with our lives in their absence but rooted in the foundation of their guidance.

Keannu Reeves, a Hollywood star was once asked a question on a show, "what do you think happens when we die, Keannu Reeves?" Keannu thinks for a moment and then replies "I know that the ones who love us will miss us." That I think is a very good answer, and probably not how many of us would have answered the question. Yes the ones who are left behind goes through the pain of loss, of missing the person. Will the pain go away? Probably not, it may dampen, but there will be those days when the pain will suddenly seem to pop out of nowhere and most likely until a reunion happens, for in that moment the pain will stop. Pain and celebration may form a strange friendship and yet while facing the grief of losing someone, they can arrive together. One to remind us of the loss, the other to remind us of the legacy. One to make us look at the past, the other to give us direction for the future. One hurts us, the other comforts us. I have come to think that a funeral where these two meet contains a wholeness of beauty; yes there is pain of loss on one side, but also the celebration of a life well-lived on the other. May we all live our lives well to such an end!