In one of the many bygone years, my colleagues and I were asked to take a personal examination exercise in which we were to discover our strengths. I did the test and was pleasantly surprised by the result that was given to me. But then a senior spoke up and burst the happy bubble I was in. He said some thing like this, "It is good to know our strengths, but what about our weaknesses?" Good thing I do not speak Korean, else I might have gone, of course in the Korean language, "yaah yaah yaah..why are you talking about weaknesses?..aish.." and maybe dramatically throw the papers on the floor (nope I am not a Korean buff, but I do find this scene very helpful). But that was a good question, what do we do with our weaknesses? Our flaws? Our scars? Do we hide them ? Do we try to change them? If we want to be honest about our strengths, we have to be honest about our weaknesses, it is that simple. But I think we mostly choose not to talk about our weaknesses for that will make us exactly who we do not want to be - vulnerable, weak - we want to maintain the hero-image a little longer, hide that crack in the armour. So allow me to tell you about myself and probably through that maybe you can relate with your own experience of the question we seek to understand and respond to - what do we do with our flaws? Should we even be asking this question? One word of caution, I write this from the perspective of a normal person, a healthy fully functional able-bodied person and for such a person. I understand that we each have our own lives in our own complex and complicated ways and so this is just my story and how I have come to think of the question; you are free to dictate your own terms as to how you will answer the question even as you read through my roadmap.
So what is a "flaw" that I see in me? For those of you who have not met me, or probably will never meet me in person here is a point of reference for you to get an idea: you know Humpty Dumpty who sat on the wall? Well, yes I have ran on and jumped over walls (sometimes fallen from walls), but that is not the point. The point is Humpty Dumpty and I have the honour of having a BIG head. It is most likely that I do not hold the World Record for the BIGGEST head, but I do have a fair share of estate when it comes to my head size. One of the neighbours normally referred to be as "the one with the BIG head" in their dialect when asking about me to know how I was doing. It is good to have a big head, you are easily noticed; but bad when you do some mischief. The barber who trimmed my hair from the age of 4 till I passed out of my secondary (and moved to a new town to pursue higher studies and got a new barber) used to ask my mother for ten rupees in those days, for cutting my hair. When my mother protested that I was still a minor, which I was at least for some time, he would smile and say "he is small but has the head of an adult". I once tried to put on the bike helmet of a colleague just for fun and discovered that it could not come down beyond my forehead.
So what is the point? I could argue or presume that my BIG head is a flaw and I wished it were smaller. But then, is that really a good one? Aren't there normal people like me out there with perfectly BIG heads? There are some "flaws" that we may have which are naturally gifted to us; in my case my head. There is nothing much to do to change it except to accept that I do have a normally bigger head than yours. I could not by pressing my head from ear to ear make it any slimmer. So I accept the big head and I learned to take a joke about it. I have even proposed that those of us with bigger head are vital to barbers because we offer them more "hair-space" to practice their skills. I know for some of you, you sit down and wink and it's done; but for us, we make every rupee count. Bottom line: you may "presume" a flaw on you, but before you get all worked out about it, maybe learn to accept it. Yes that is difficult, for some of you it will be more difficult than me accepting my thick head, but if some things are not meant for change why break our head and heart over it? I can wish upon a thousand shooting stars, but the size of my head is not meant to change and so I carry my head with not with pride maybe, but acceptance - my head is meant for me.
Well that is just one part of the story about flaws. The "flaws" on you are not so much serious as the "flaws" in or within you. These latter ones, the ones within, are the more dangerous ones. These flaws have to do with our personality and our character. They are most likely picked up through our social environment (as much as we also pick up virtues) and they are the more tricky ones to deal with. I am known as a patient person, a long-tempered person and probably the cool headed one. But the flip side which most people do not know is when it gets to my head, there is an explosion coming. My patience and soft-spoken nature can become a ticking time bomb, a dormant volcano gathering strength to erupt. So I need to watch my temperament, to learn to voice my thoughts at the right time rather than bottle them up. This is something I can work on and should be willing to work on. Now this for me is scary, that a seeming perfection can also clothe (or be a potential for) a flaw underneath. Of course, there are obvious flaws that we can all list of our own, but I want to think also of those that are masked (not deliberately) under the strengths: for instance, a fast learner (strength) could exhibit impatience (weakness) as a first response towards others who are slow rather than help. This is where we have to be all the more honest if we are to grow and become stronger.
Though it is not as simple as this, the first category of flaws will make you feel unhappy (this is a "light" term) about and with yourself. Yes, I have been teased for my head, but at the end of the day it was my head that I was unhappy about (though I would have projected the reason of my unhappiness on to others). It is in the second category of "flaws" that we receive words of instructions, corrections which we may choose to accept or resent. And in this, we are most likely unhappy with others, not so much with ourselves; we are unhappy that they are interfering in our personal matters. So how do we deal with these two unhappy situations? To answer that that I want us to think about the gift and virtue of grace.
Let me direct our attention to a person with a "thorn" in his flesh who pleaded with God for it to taken away. I wonder if he was frustrated with himself for the thorn, or even with God for the seeming delay for removal of the thorn. Paul the apostle was this man, and the reply he was given for the request for the thorn to be removed goes something like this, "Let the thorn be, my grace is sufficient for you" (II Cor.12.9). Now I understand that Paul's thorn points to a flaw, to use the term we are using here. We do not know what it exactly was, but it was definitely something that bothered him, something he wanted changed. And yet despite much plea, God's response, "let the thorn be; focus on my grace, it may not bring about the desired change you want but you will gain strength to cope and that is all that is needed". Isn't that an amazing response? To put myself in Paul's shoes, grace helps me understand that the size of my head is beyond my control, but what happens within my head is very much within my control. Grace also helps me to see the truth of the flaws within me and to accept them as part of me but that is not where it stops. It is in this acceptance of flaws within us that the pursuit of improving and growing begins (again this is not an easy road and some times we may feel we are misunderstood). Yes I would wish those correcting me were some time a little more gracious with the truth that they speak, but life is not all about being given cotton candied words.
Does this mean that we allow others to walk over us? No, that is not what I intend for us to learn. We have to speak our minds, and our hurts too. But, hopefully we do so in, or at least try to do so in grace not in anger, not in holding a grudge against the other. Grudge is a little worm that eats us away even when we are right unless we are mindful of it. Let us go back to a story of mine on grudge and grace: When I was in middle school I had this particular classmate who would often call me a porcupine because of the hairstyle I wore. My hair was usually cut very short and so each individual strand made it a point to be pointing straight up in whichever direction it was meant to grow. Did it hurt my feelings? Yes it did. Did I want to call back names? Yes I did. Did I bear a grudge against that friend? Yes I did. But somehow early on I learned through healthy parenting that I could choose to retort back in anger and name calling, or I could choose to show grace by not doing anything of that kind (of course learning to smile back was a challenge).
Whatever it be that we are facing, the choice is between bearing grudge against others or showing grace to others. This becomes challenging especially when they touch on sensitive issues, like our flaws that they see. Like it has already been said before, the issues are not as simple sometimes, but the choice is; it is acting on the right choice that is difficult; and the right choice I daresay is to show grace because it is in bearing grudges that we only hurt ourselves more. So how am I doing now? Well, I do know that I understand myself better than others (most times) and some times they understand me better than I do myself. I go through the evaluation papers that I receive at my workplace at the end of each term and there are good ones, and there are those that pinch. The good ones I know what to do with; but for the others, I am learning to deal with with them through grace and not grudge by giving it an ear, a chance to be listened to. This means that I have to learn to not be defensive and snap back always, but choose to be vulnerable. In learning to do so, we show grace towards others and perhaps with time we are able to judge what is a good valid critique worth heeding to and what is not; we benefit in the end through the showing of grace.
This is not a complete answer to the question that we have asked, but I hope this is a start of the journey of grace with you; I am still on mine. Going back to Paul, he was one who celebrated the grace of God upon and with him in manifold ways in every circumstance in life - whether it be in the midst of sickness, oppositions and persecutions, mockery, or having to struggle with a thorn he knew that he bore. That is the lesson we want to learn - the celebration and practice of grace in the midst of our flaws (and the challenges in life). Recognizing where this grace proceeds from is another story, but I think the Paul story already has the clue. In those dark moments when you feel you are trying and yet people do not understand, in those lonely moments when you look at yourself and wonder what you should change, may this beautiful, short and wisdom-filled prayer by Reinhold Niebuhr lighten the burden in your heart and help you respond gracefully knowing what your strengths are and where your limitation are,
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.
Finally, these words of blessings hold you steady in all times,
The Lord bless you and keep you;The Lord make His face shine upon you,And be gracious to you;The Lord lift up His countenance upon you,And give you peace.
The Lord bless you too
ReplyDeleteThank you!
Deletewelcome! :-)
Delete